Old Man Wisdom - The Attributes of Character - Emotional Intelligence

For my beloved son, Daniel, a United States Marine, currently in Iraq.

We are possessed of different intelligences. An IQ test provides us insight into our mathematical, analytical, associative and cognitive abilities. We have physical intelligences in our abilities to run, jump, play sports, coordinate hand and eye, etc.

An area of intelligence which is seldom measured and seldom discussed is emotional intelligence. Our ability to discern what we are feeling at any given time and whether those feelings accurately reflect the significance of a situation along with our ability to have empathy for others constitutes our emotional intelligence.

The “OMW” for today, my dear son, regards anger and my contention / belief that it is a secondary – or reactionary – emotion. When you or someone says “I got angry” it is important to think (or ask) “What did I feel before the anger?” If you stop to think about the last time(s) you got angry at someone or something, you will realize that a more primal emotion occurred first. Perhaps it was frustration or guilt, fear, shame or hurt or embarrassment or something else.

Whichever it was, it is important to realize that the anger that followed – and that may have been acted on – was a reaction to the first emotion. Would you have handled the situation differently had you realized that you were hurt? Or shamed? Would the recipient of your anger been treated – talked to – differently? How would the result have changed?

Now turn that around. Remember the last time someone got angry with you? What feeling were they having that morphed into anger? Did you do or say something to bring hurt or shame or guilt or frustration into their hearts / heads? Further, I would bet that you thought they had reacted wrongly with their anger.

Anger quickly clouds how we perceive our feelings. Anger quickly clouds our ability to understand another person – or situation. It is only with practice that you – and I – can take a step back from the brink of anger and think about what we truly are feeling and address the person or situation from a more accurate viewpoint.

Anger is not an “attribute of character.” The “attribute” is the ability to identify (and feel) the emotion that is leading to anger. Anger is a liability and a false response whereas the ability to discern “root” emotion is an asset and leads to a response from which growth can occur.
Love, Dad